Jaycari | 28 Week Preemie | NICU Portraits | Charlotte, North Carolina | Krista Gantt Photograph

“On August 17, 2020, we found out we were expecting another sweet baby boy on 4/26/21. We were thrilled to be expanding our family and promoting our 10 year old son to a big brother. Throughout my pregnancy, I was labeled to be a high risk pregnancy considering I would be giving birth at the age of 35. However, with each exam I took, I passed them with flying colors. As each month passed by, I impatiently waited to feel our baby move for our son to experience feeling his baby brother. I only felt butterflies here and there the entire time which seemed odd. As I got closer to the third trimester, I felt like something was off since I was still not feeling my baby move as much as I should be and my belly looked smaller than I expected. As I went to each  check up, I kept being told that everything was progressing as it should, so I told myself that these thoughts I was having were all in my head. 

A little after 7 months, I decided to get checked by my OBGYN to be certain nothing was wrong as by now I should be feeling obvious kicks. I was seen immediately and failed the stress test at the office. I went from thinking it was going to be a quick confirmation that it was all in my head, to being sent to labor and delivery for further analysis. Once all the tests were complete, we were told the scariest thing any parent could hear. Due to a placental deficiency, our baby was not getting the necessary fluids and nutrients he needed. He was at the 3rd percentile growth rate and had a 80-90% survival rate. Although he was 28 weeks and 3 days, he was measuring around 26 weeks and only weighing 1 lb and 5 ounces. All I could think of at the moment was “did I do something wrong?” “was this my fault?”. The doctor reassured me that this was internal and not anything I could have controlled. 

We delivered our baby boy the next day via C-Section and immediately began our NICU Journey. No one could have ever prepared us for what was to come. You end up having so many emotions and thoughts while you are trying to transition to your new reality. You feel robbed from your last trimester, no more short hospital stay and leaving with your baby, no more maternity pictures, no more baby shower, not being able to hear your baby’s first cry due to needing an oxygen tube, not being able to touch or hold your baby due to how fragile a preemie can be and needing to be in an incubator, not being able to kiss your baby from having to wear a mask and not being able to see your baby’s face from all the tubes. You just feel overwhelmed, scared, and end up in complete shock. 

During our stay, everything sounded terrifying and your baby goes through the toughest challenges with delays in lung growth, heart PDAs, nutrition goals for proper weight gain, ensuring there are no brain bleeds, their stomach is digesting as it should, their vision is maturing as it should, getting hernia surgeries, and learning to bottle feed. 

After 104 long days in the NICU, our son now weighs 6 lbs 11.9 ounces, has learned to breath without a ventilator and only needs low flow oxygen, his stomach now digests food as it should, his heart PDA has closed, he began bottle feeding, has had his hernia surgery and his eyes are very close to maturing. We are so proud of our son Jaycari Jace Jordan for being the biggest warrior! He is the strongest tiny human I know and he continues to amaze us each day. We are grateful for all the outstanding nurses and specialists that have made our sons stay easier and look forward to finally hearing that special word - “Discharge”.  To all the preemie moms and dads out there, you will get through this! Trust your little warrior, they are stronger than we could have ever imagined. “

Declan | 32 Week Preemie | NICU Portraits | Charlotte, North Carolina | Krista Gantt Photograph

“We were very excited to find out we were expecting! Our pregnancy was pretty smooth, just your normal aches and pains, but that all changed at our 31 week appointment. I had elevated blood pressure that day and by that night my blood pressure was dangerously high. I was admitted that night and was told I would be staying until we had our baby. On Easter we kept failing our NST and the MFM and OBGYN agreed it was time for baby to make his entrance. We tried to labor naturally but his little heart didn’t like that so I was taken for an emergency c-section. Our little man come out crying which was the most beautiful thing, he was rushed out right away to make sure everything was okay. Our NICU stay has not been easy but it is such a blessing to see our little man growing and meeting all these special milestones right in front of our eyes. Moms and Dads enjoy all your snuggles and don’t be afraid of all the wires and tubes. Let your emotions out it’s okay.”

Jonathan | 27 Week Preemie | NICU Portraits | Charlotte, North Carolina | Krista Gantt Photograph

I managed to meet Jonathan when I was photographing other families in the NICU, and it happened to be his discharge day! He got to go home to be with his family and is now officially a NICU graduate! GO JONATHAN!

Mason | 26 Week Preemie | NICU Portraits | Charlotte, North Carolina | Krista Gantt Photograph

“My husband and I have an 8 year old daughter who longed to be a big sister and we knew our hearts were ready for another child. We were overjoyed when we learned our family would be growing, and the excitement continued when we learned we were having a boy. We planned showers and the nursery and was determined to make everything PERFECT!

Until at 25 weeks things became not so perfect, as my body went into labor. We rushed to the hospital and learned we would soon be having our preemie baby. The neonatologist came to talk to us about what to expect, and what our stay looked like, and survival odds. It was overwhelming and terrifying but that conversation really prepared us for our NICU journey.

Mason was born  via c-section at exactly 26 weeks weighing 1 pound 11.2 ounces and came out ready to fight! At 4 days old he became gravely ill, and we feared we were going to lose our baby, but God was not done with Mason and Mason was not done fighting. It was a hard fight for a few days but we made it through it with a lot of prayers and by the Grace of God. His sickness did cause a grade 4 brain bleed and hydrocephalus which has required two surgeries during our stay. He has overcome so many obstacles and continues to amaze us with his strength.

We have been in the NICU for 80 days, currently just transitioned to special care, learning how to feed and we will soon be heading home. My advice for any parent that is having to walk this NICU journey is to first realize it is a long road, BUT this is only temporary.

There are scary times, frustrating times, and joyous times. Take them all in. Every small victory, celebrate it! Your firsts with your baby will be a lot different than other moms with newborns. You will celebrate a day without bradycardias, no more PICC line, less respiratory support, or a good head ultrasound. No, it’s not the normal excitement you plan for as a mom, but it’s your new normal and it will be just as exciting as hearing your baby coo for the first time!

Embrace the rollercoaster. It won’t be long until you are home with your little miracle and this fight and this journey will remind you of yours and your baby’s strength!”

Lennox | 34 Week Preemie | NICU Portraits | Charlotte, North Carolina | Krista Gantt Photograph

“We first learned that we were expecting Lennox in October 2020. Excited doesn’t even describe the feeling! He was due June 22, 2021 but because of decreased fetal movement the doctors made the call to induce me at 34 weeks. Thank goodness they did because nine hours into my induction my placenta detached from the uterine wall and I was rushed to the OR for an emergency c-section. The peace of mind I have now knowing that Lennox is doing so well and coming home soon makes the whole experience one to remember!”

Aubrey | 25 Week Preemie | NICU Portraits | Charlotte, North Carolina | Krista Gantt Photograph

“Advice to moms and dads: Cry whenever you want to cry....Feel whatever emotions you want to feel...Take every day one at a time...Your baby is stronger than you can imagine!”

Tristin | 30 Week Preemie | NICU Portraits | Charlotte, North Carolina | Krista Gantt Photography

Tristin

30 Weeks

3 pounds 4 ounces

Just as his parents were preparing for his baby shower, Tristin surprised them with a speedy arrival much earlier than they had anticipated. Since he was about 10 weeks early, he earned himself a stay in the NICU to do some more growing and to develop a few more skills before leaving the hospital and heading home. Since his NICU admission he has proven to be quite a little fighter and is making great strides in his development—no longer needing an IV and breathing mostly without support. The snuggles and skin-to-skin time are surely helping both Tristin and parents to adjust and to thrive. Just look at those smiles!

“I found out I was pregnant when I was 5 weeks (in June).  I had just graduated from the University of South Carolina and  just received a job here in Charlotte at Charlotte Latin School. I was terrified and had no clue what I was going to do. I had no other choice but to make the most of my situation and my pregnancy. Fast forward to December, I was preparing for my baby shower to be on December 7th. On December 1st, at about 3:30 am, I began having sharp pains in my stomach. I honestly thought I had food poisoning from Thanksgiving. I could not sleep and was in excruciating pain. I finally decided to go to the hospital around 7 because I hadn’t felt a lot of movement along with my stomach pain. I got there and they told me I was 4 cm dilated. They gave me medicine to stop it, however, the meds did not work. Next thing you know, they told me I was 7-8 cm dilated and my baby was coming right then. My boyfriend and I looked at each other and didn’t know what to do. Tristin Joshua Lewis was born on 12/1/19 at 9:16 am. He weighed 3 pounds  4 ounces. All I could do was cry because he was so small. He was transported to Novant Presbyterian right after he was born. He is now 3 pounds 6.7 ounces. He is breathing on his own (room air trials) for 18 hours of the day. He had is picc line removed and he is done with all fluids he was receiving. He is a fighter! He’s doing everything he’s supposed to be doing and I couldn’t be more proud of my little trooper. Being a young parent is not easy. Being a parent already is not easy, but I wouldn’t trade this feeling for the world. Tristin lights up my world and never fails to put a smile on my face. He is my SONshine! Babies are blessings. I am beyond thankful to have Tristin in my life!”

Penelope | 26 Week Preemie | NICU Portraits | Charlotte, North Carolina | Krista Gantt Photography

Penelope

26 weeks

1 pound 0.09 ounces

Penelope’s parents are not strangers to parenting, but they knew even before her birth that Penelope would need some extra special care upon her arrival. Her mom and dad are currently balancing care for their other children with time with Penelope in the NICU. Between daily life at home and commuting to and from the hospital, life can really fly by. Being a photographer herself, Penelope’s mother wanted to capture her daughter’s feisty personality during her NICU stay, so she welcomed a NICU session for her sweet little lady. Bundled up next to her very first octopus, here is a glimpse into the NICU journey of this little fighter and her loving parents as well as a note from her mother about Penelope’s diagnoses and how she made her grand entrance into her family of five.

We found out we were expecting and were going to do a water birth until all these unexpected things kept coming up. [There were] multiple doctor appointments with fetal medicine and cardiology. We first found out our little girl would be born with cleft—once we got settled in knowing that, we had a cardiologist appointment and we found out she had hole in [her] heart in two different spots. So being scared we put it in God's hands. We knew He could work miracles. Pregnancy was going pretty smooth other than that until 25 weeks my water ruptured and I had to rush to ER and they had to stop labor. They were able to keep baby in another week but then a turn for the worst her heart started to decel. We had to deliver 12/19/19 and she came out crying and doing great on just CPAP.  Two kids at home…and traveling everyday to Charlotte to make sure I'm with my sweet Penelope too it's crazy and a roller coaster, but God is amazing and He works miracles.

Jude | 25 Week Preemie | NICU Portraits | Charlotte, North Carolina | Krista Gantt Photography

Jude

25 Weeks and 1 day

1 pound 13 ounces

“I found out I was expecting Jude on Dec. 14th, our second baby (we have an almost 4 year old daughter, Isla). We were over the moon and told Isla she was getting a baby brother for her birthday (I was due Aug 21 and her bday is Aug 27). Up until 24 weeks, I had a textbook pregnancy but at 24 weeks 0 days I was admitted to the hospital because of leaking fluid. Lots of tests later and I was put on bedrest due to cervical insufficiency. It turned out my water had not broken but my cervix had dilated. My team of OB's and maternal fetal medicine told me I would most likely deliver within 24-72 hours.

“I remember having a conversation with my OB the second night I was on bedrest. She told me I was in a very grave position but if I could make it to 25 weeks the difference in gestation and development would be huge. So then my goal became 25 weeks; at 24 weeks 3 days my water broke and once again I was told I'd deliver within 48 hours but it didn't happen. Unfortunately a few days later, I developed an infection and Jude was born a week and 1 day after I was admitted. I'd made it to 25 weeks!

“Like any preemie parent, my husband and I were terrified. We had no idea what the weeks and months ahead would hold and seeing our sweet baby hooked up to so many monitors and medical devices was heartbreaking. We visited daily and on day 10 I was finally able to hold him. We have kangarooed every day since except for two days around the time Jude developed an infection (urosepsis). Jude is truly a miracle and has impressed us every day of this journey. We are so very blessed to be his parents.”

Here are a few shots of the ‘little fighter’, Jude in his first home, the NICU. He eventually made it home with Mom, Dad, and sister Isla!

Scarlett | 22 Week Preemie | NICU Portraits | Charlotte, North Carolina | Krista Gantt Photography

Scarlett

22 weeks 2 days

13 pounds 12.8 ounces

Scarlett is quite the little fighter. She came into this world under one pound! Her story began as one of four quadruplets. She is the only one earth side, but her siblings—Oliver, Amelia, and Vivian—still remain a beautiful part of her family’s story. Recently, the peanut you see below has gained ‘big sister’ status to her little brother Christian, who has already had his newborn session as part of his Baby Plan membership.

Despite the hardships of a pregnancy with quadruplets that ended in preterm deliveries and spending quite some time in the NICU, Scarlett’s parents have a great sense of humor—I always enjoy my time with them. Below, Scarlett’s mother, a nurse, details her family’s journey through a pregnancy with multiples and their time in the NICU.

“We knew we would have trouble conceiving. I have PCOS as well as a bicornuate uterus. We did three rounds of IUI. Our last was successful and we were pregnant with quads. We found out we were pregnant in May. The pregnancy was moving along very easily. My husband and I were so excited, and our family and friends couldn’t even believe there were four. At my 21 week MFM appointment my water broke and the immediately sent me to the maternity unit where I stayed until the babies were delivered. It was a roller coaster from that point forward. I went into early labor and had to deliver one baby who we named Oliver. He passed away during the laboring process. We knew God had a bigger plan for him. We call him his sisters’ hero, he held on long enough to buy his sisters more time. The other three were able to hang on for another week. I ended up getting septic and had to have an emergency c-section to deliver the other three babies at 22 weeks and 2 days. One little girl we named Amelia passed away and his hanging out with her brother Oliver. The other two we named Scarlett and Vivian— sassy and feisty little girls keeping the nurses on their toes. This is not how we pictured this adventure in our lives going but we couldn’t have been in a better place. Everyone from the nurses, doctors, and support staff [were] the kindest most compassionate people we could have asked to have care for our family through this time.”

Below is a glimpse into Scarlett’s time in the NICU, on a ventilator. You also get to see a sweet moment of kangaroo care with her mother and some hand hugs with mom and dad.

Scarlett’s newborn session after NICU graduation—look how much she’s grown!

Scarlett’s spring session with the peach blossoms at Springs Farm — Scarlett is a big sister!

Scarlett turns ONE!

Baby brother Christian snoozes through his newborn session.

Sarah | NICU Portraits | Charlotte, North Carolina | Krista Gantt Photography

Sarah

24 Weeks

1 pound 6.6 ounces

I was able to photograph Sarah on her day of discharge. In the NICU, we call this ‘graduation day’, which is why you see Sarah sporting the sweetest pink graduation cap.

Sarah is also pictured with her journey beads. The journey beads symbolize Sarah’s strength and endurance through the triumps and trials of the NICU. More specifically, each bead represents a procedure Sarah endured. Do you see all of those beads? That is a testament to the strength of Sarah and her family through their NICU journey.

While you see these bright-eyed photos of a family at the end of their NICU journey, Sarah’s mother beautifully recapped the start of Sarah’s life as a 24-week preemie and provided some words of wisdom for other NICU families.

Our journey to parenthood has been a very difficult one. Last October we found out that we were pregnant after 5 years of trying. We had been through a few years of fertility treatment and were finally able to complete an IUI cycle. When we got the positive test, we just held each other and laughed and cried tears of joy. We were both cautiously ecstatic as we knew this was only the beginning of a long road to a healthy baby in our arms. At our 18 week ultrasound we found out we were having a little girl but we also found out that my cervix was a little short. We started treatment for that and went back a week later, but they did not want to do anything additional just yet. We went back again one week later at 20 weeks and had to have an emergency rescue cerclage that day. I was counting down every day to that 24 week mark because I knew that gave my baby a chance at life. Everything seemed to be going well until my water broke in a bloody mess at 22 weeks & 6 days. I was devastated because I thought for sure that the baby we had always dreamed of was going to die.

She was born at 24 weeks on the dot amidst chaos as her daddy almost didn't make it to the hospital to see her be born and the NICU team was running into the doorway as I pushed her out into the world. Her birthday was nothing like we imagined it would be...it was exciting and we were full of joy but it was all overshadowed by immense and overwhelming fear and anxiety knowing that her odds were not very good at having a quality life, if she lived at all. It was the best and worst day of our life all rolled into one.

Her NICU stay has been our most difficult journey yet. She has battled with her lungs, she has had pneumonia twice, she had sepsis twice. There were a few times that we were told, it's up to her if she makes it or not now, there's nothing more we can do. There were a few days where we really didn't know if she was going to make it. It has been full of tears and heartache. But it has also been full of little wins, and triumphs, and joy/pride in watching her grow. She is a true miracle from God....our baby girl was meant to be here and she has fought to stay here.

Over this whole journey the biggest thing I would want other parents to know is to take it one day at a time. My husband and I have made this our new life motto...and that is how we survived. ONE DAY AT A TIME. Focus on today's challenges/worries/joys and don't get overwhelmed by the unknowns of the future. Doctors don't know everything, there is no exact science in how things will turn out for your baby. Your baby is a fighter...and you have to learn to be one too. You have to be there for your baby and advocate because at the end of the day that is the best way for you to care for them during their time in the NICU...advocate and be there for your baby. You will know them better than anybody and it is important that they have that voice in their care.

Tatiana | 25 Week Preemie | NICU Portraits | Charlotte, North Carolina | Krista Gantt Photography

Tatiana

25 Weeks

1 pound 10.8 ounces

“I couldn’t become pregnant with my husband so we were seen by doctors at REACH and the doctors were able to help me become pregnant with in vitro and we were so excited to finally have a baby!

My water broke at 24.5 weeks and was admitted to the hospital. Tatiana was born 4 days later at 25.2 weeks. She’s the light of our lives and we love her very much!

Being in the NICU is very difficult emotionally and physically, the best advise I can give is to take this journey one day at a time. God is in control, pray every day for your baby, the nurses and the doctors!”

This ‘little lady’ has endured a lot in her first 11 weeks of life, but she is growing and making new developments daily. Growing is hard work for preemies, and Tatianna snoozed through our session!

Immaleigha | 28 Week Preemie | NICU Portraits | Charlotte, North Carolina | Krista Gantt Photography

Immaleigha

28 weeks

2 pounds 3.5 ounces

‘When I found out I was expecting I was…in shock!’

Immaleigha’s mother was surprised by her pregnancy and had quite the bumpy road to Immaleigha’s premature arrival.

‘I was very scared but prayed my way through it all and baby girl is here…Life since birth feels great. Mommy mode instantly kicked in. I can’t believe I have a baby girl. What I always wanted’

While she had all that she’d always wanted, it was hard for Immaleigha’s mother to leave the hospital without her sweet baby girl. While in the NICU she gained some wonderful wisdom on life with a baby in intensive care: ‘I would tell other moms and dads to remain humble keep their faith, it is not over!’ Pictures of Immaleigha have helped her mother to cope with this experience. She loves being able to look back at photos to remind herself of her baby’s progress when the NICU journey feels challenging.

“I would tell other moms and dads to remain humble keep their faith, it is not over!”

Immaleigha might be tiny, but she is not lacking in accessories. Dressed in floral, adorned in bows, and she is even flaunting the tinyest purse! While the pregnancy and her early arrival may have been a surprise, these doting parents are clearly so in love with their little lady.

Emery and Nora | 32 Week Preemie Twins | NICU Portraits | Charlotte, North Carolina | Krista Gantt Photography

Emery and Nora

32 Weeks • 3 Pounds 7 Ounces

“Twins do not run in our families, so we were shocked to hear we were pregnant with spontaneous twin girls.

The pregnancy was going great with no complications until week 30. My blood pressure started to rise but the doctors kept telling us that everything looked great and we could expect to delivery closer to 36-38 weeks.

Week 32 hit and we learned I had severe preeclampsia and fluid on my lungs. When we went to the hospital we were told the goal was to stay pregnant for at least 2 more weeks, but as more tests were done, the goal changed to staying pregnant 2-3 days and ultimately our twins would be born immediately.

We had the twins via emergency c-section less than 24 hours after going to the nurse triage for what we thought was a simple checkup. It has been a hard road for me as the mom because my body clearly failed the girls and couldn’t carry them any longer, but thanks to our faith in the Lord and the greatest friends and family, we’ve stayed strong and are determined to bring home 2 healthy girls as soon they are ready!”

Logann | 25 Week Preemie | NICU Portraits | Charlotte, North Carolina | Krista Gantt Photography

Logann

25 weeks 1 day • 1 pound 10 ounces

"Logann was a surprise from day one. We weren’t “planning” on having another child as we have 3 and lead a fairly active life. The day I found out was a whirlwind of disbelief and honestly, some fear as I questioned if I would be able to have energy and the ability to give everyone what they needed.

Logann is teaching me many new lessons on a daily basis about love, strength, and that it’s ok to take it slowly. I’ve never been one for extreme patience but this sweet girl has a tremendous amount of strength and overall guiding me through this journey of patience and love."

“I daydream and long for the day this sweet girl comes home and joins what I affectionately refer to as our circus of love and shenanigans. Logann (Tiny Might) is part of a big beautiful and loving family which includes her sister Lilee(8), Liam (6), Lyla (3), Mom, Dad, and two 100 pound pound labs.”

Morgan | 31 Week Preemie | Charlotte, North Carolina Photographer | Krista Gantt Photography

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Morgan

Born at 31 weeks, weighing 3 pounds 14 ounces

“Morgan was born at 31 weeks due to my uterus rupturing unexpectedly, causing me to have an emergency c section. It was a very scary and very painful morning! Never did we expect our baby to come early! We did not know the gender of the baby. We already have a little girl and we were so excited when my husband announced that it was a girl! My original due date was 10/25, Morgan came on 8/25. She is now almost 8 weeks old. She had a rough start because she had pnuemothorax causing her to have 2 chest tubes. Though I feel like we are living in GroundHog's day, time does seem to be passing quickly. Every day is a challenge since we also have a 2 year old at home that we are taking care of as well while also wanting to be at the hospital as much as possible. Since being in the hospital, I now know way more than I should know about babies! We have met so many great nurses that have really become friends. At 5 weeks, a baby was placed next to Morgan and quickly we become friends with that family. The other mom, Jackie, and I now rock our babies everyday while we sit and chat. We think Morgan and baby Nolan will be lifelong friends!! Morgan is doing great and getting stronger everyday, we sure hope that she is out soon and comes home to us soon!”

NICU Grad Sebastian Turns Two | Charlotte Newborn Photographer | Krista Gantt Photography

Sebastian turns two today! Doesn’t he look great?! He is walking, talking, running, and even knows sign language. What a miracle.

If you haven’t seen him on my blog, check out his NICU portraits!

Sebastian

22 weeks 3 days

1 pound 1 ounce

Rigdon's Story

This is a story I wanted to share for a while, but it never felt like the right time. Today is Rigdon's birthday, so what better way to kick of the blog for 2018 than sharing about this preemie and his super sweet family! You've probably already seen many of these images on an old post (Remembering Rigdon), but this time they are accompanied by his entire story from beginning to end.

Rigdon's mom was willing to write her version of Rigdon's life story, and even found writing about it therapeutic. I can't even begin to understand the emotions Liz and Alan went through over the past few years, especially now that I am expecting a son of my own. I am so happy she shared this with me months and months ago, and I am thrilled to share it with you today. If you have a preemie or have lost a child, make sure to comment with your experience, emotions, and encouragement for this family.

If you want a sneak peak into Liz and Alan's next chapter... check out Bennett's Birth. Although Rigdon can never be replaced, this family was recently blessed with another healthy baby boy! 

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Rigdon’s Story

"Though some days eternity can feel like forever, I know we will see and hold him again."

"Alan and I had always planned on having children. We never anticipated entering into the ‘infertility club,’ and we kept that part of our lives pretty private as we went through all sorts of procedures/testing, but that was our reality, and it was tough. I remember at one point tearfully praying that IF we were blessed with a child, I would do my best to never take them for granted, because I would know what a miracle he or she was—I had no idea how that prayer would be answered, but felt assured that child or no child, everything was going to be ok. I could never have imagined the miracles I was about to witness!

We had been trying to get pregnant for a couple of years, and had undergone three IVF attempts by the time Rigdon came into our world. He was decidedly our final attempt through IVF, and we could not believe when we got word that we were going to have a little one! In fact, I don’t think I actually let myself believe it for many many weeks.

When you go through failed fertility treatments, you learn the art of being ‘cautiously optimistic.’ I didn’t share the news until about 20 weeks into my pregnancy, when I finally felt like it was ‘really happening,’ and I allowed myself to just enjoy it. That was a little short lived. The pregnancy was full of its own drama, and I had two episodes of heavy bleeding where I thought “there is no way our baby made it through that!” Both times, I remember sitting in anticipation, paralyzed with concern, waiting for the ultrasound, and both times, weeping with joy when we heard that heartbeat and saw him wiggling around as if to say “I got this. I’m not going anywhere.” I knew from the beginning he was a strong soul. The strongest…

I had just gotten home from my shift in the ER on Jan 21, 2016, and was getting ready for bed, when my water broke. I was completely stunned. I had just started feeling better with the pregnancy symptoms, and had barely started to feel movement; I couldn’t really process what had happened and honestly, I had no idea how our world was about to change. I think I subconsciously, and rather naively, thought “we got this, things are fine, our little guy has shown us he’s strong before,” and off to the hospital we went.

The next few weeks of bedrest are kind of a blur. I had ruptured at 21 weeks and 6 days, and there were a lot of conversations about the lack of much needed amniotic fluid for his lung development in particular, as well as the risk for infection. I had a couple trips to L&D, but the contractions would calm down, and the 3 weeks we were able to keep him in were filled with hope for just one more day for him to grow. We had goals to reach! Our first goal was 24 weeks; we never got to the next one.

During that time, I started thinking back to many years ago, when I had been serving as a missionary, representing our church in the Caribbean. One day when I was struggling with feeling tired, lonely, and dejected, one of the leaders of the mission there said to me: “We can do hard things.” There was more, but that phrase has always stayed with me. And that became our motto. We were feeling tired, often lonely and often dejected, but our little family, our little boy; whatever he would face -- could do hard things.

3 weeks after my water broke, February 11th, Rigdon joined our world. He was a tiny 24 weeker, but was bigger than I thought he’d be. He weighed in at 1 pound 10 ounces and was just 12 inches long…but he looked so strong. The delivery was a bit traumatic, but I remember the seconds after I delivered him as being a moment where time stood still. The room was filled with people ready to act in our behalf, and as they held him there in front of me for a few seconds, despite the voices around me, I heard absolute silence. There was no cry. He couldn’t. I could just stare at that little boy for seconds before they whisked him away to intubate and stabilize him. I couldn’t see him, but I remember vividly the words the NICU team spoke as they surrounded him across the room. His heart rate was dropping,..they got him intubated..his heart rate improved.. The NICU doctor came to my bedside and tenderly placed his hand on mine and told me they would let me know when I could come see him and that they needed to take him then. I remember our exit from L&D without my babe in my arms. That was probably one of the first moments I truly realized the ‘loss’ we were experiencing, and would continue to experience time and again.

Our entrance to the NICU, was unlike our little tour beforehand, because now OUR little baby was in there. This was now our home. I remember seeing him in his little isolette, and wishing so badly that I could hold him; keep him safe, but also being terrified that I’d break such a tiny perfect thing if I touched him. Every experienced hand that worked with him seemed ‘too rough’ and I knew pretty quickly that this little boy now totally owned his momma. I was going to be there every minute possible to witness his life, support him, and protect him. I felt a growing weight of advocacy I had not understood before. We never wanted to leave! (Though I am sure many times the staff wished we would) We grew more and more obsessed with him everyday and if we wanted to be with him, then we had to be there in the NICU, so we were there in the NICU. We didn’t care to be anywhere else.

He is our miracle. He lived in that NICU for 7.5 months (230 days) and our sweet NICU family had become a quite literal family. They will forever be a part of us! They were there to witness every moment by our side. Every milestone was a miracle for us… The first time he opened his eyes, (His eyes were still fused shut when he was born; it was a literal miracle to watch them open in front of us), his attitude with always wanting to kick his feet out of his swaddle, the first feeding, the ridiculously long baths because I was so new and he was so tiny, when he finally weighed enough to wear clothes, moving to an open air crib, and of course, the way he loved to kangaroo. Those are such precious memories that are now shared with people who understand the significance of those miraculous moments in our lives. With as hard as it can be to have the hospital be your home, there are some joys unique to the experience, including having witnesses to every single accomplishment your baby achieves… all rejoicing with you because of how much they love him.

For every moment of pure joy, it seemed we had multiple moments of anguish. Like most parents, we held to the belief that if he could ‘just get through’ whatever had knocked him down this time, then we could get back to working towards healing and home. Every day was one more day of progress, but there were a lot of setbacks. There were nights we stayed by his isolette all night, for fear of missing our last moments with him. There was rejoicing in the morning when he had made it through the night. There was worsening eye disease until he finally required laser surgery. Then there was recovery. There was infection on top of infection and so many blood transfusions, medications, and drips… all within the first 3 or 4 months of his life. We worried that his body never seemed to have time to grow those lungs that were so very weak and underdeveloped. That became our focus of concern. He didn’t seem to be improving as expected.

Rigdon was growing, but his lungs were struggling. He had been tried on CPAP 3 times, and the final CPAP trial lasted 5 days. He was re-intubated on Easter Sunday at 6:45 pm. I remember clearly the moment he was reintubated, because I heard his tiny little lamb like cry as they removed CPAP to place the tube. I only heard his little voice for seconds, and then there was silence. I never heard that little cry again.

He couldn’t seem to get off the vent. Then came the tracheostomy. We had spent months hoping he would grow enough not to need a surgical airway. It scared us—not because we couldn’t care for it or him, but because of what it meant. We were so scared about his future, but knew that our miracle baby had fought hard to get to where he was, and we were going to keep supporting him. As long as he was fighting, we would fight right there with him. We chose faith over fear, and he got his trach and G-tube placed in June. There was about a week of recovery with paralytics, pain medicine, more drips, and, of course, infection. It unfortunately, was a setting we had become familiar with. Nothing came easy for our sweet boy, but if I could define strength, it would be him.

When he came back from surgery, I was mesmerized by his now fully visible face and spent hours staring at him in his crib. I could now see all his features without tape and tubing getting in the way. He was a perfect angel baby! I became instantly grateful for the trach because I felt I was experiencing an entirely new Rigdon! The weeks leading up to the decision were so hard; filled with heartache and a thousand questions—I had no idea I could feel like I was getting back somehow a more ‘complete’ baby, when I was so focused on what I felt was being taken away. The days and hours always felt long, but time was still passing. We watched many many babies come and go from our little part of the world. We went through cycles of sadness, anger, and hopefulness as we went through multiple ‘roommates,’ often feeling a little left behind. Our tiny little miracle boy had somewhere along the way turned hefty, which served as a reminder of our seeming lack of progress, but also, growing right along with him was the deepest, greatest love we could ever imagine. In being honest, we definitely went through moments of jealousy for others’ babies and the progress they were making, but also found great joy in learning that loving and rejoicing with others did not diminish our own situation or triumphs. And that was a big lesson to learn.

Through our extended time in the hospital, I would say my best advice is that we simply cannot compare! That’s the hardest part of having to go through this experience, I think. We want to know the end from the beginning; we want to know how it all turns out, and we find ourselves living for/in the future instead of in the miraculous moments right in front of us. It’s human nature to want to know what’s going to happen, so we try to find others that are ‘just like us’ and somehow use them as a mental guide. We try to compare our struggling child to others’ good outcomes to bring us comfort because “so-and- so went through this and they made it home—so we will, too.” It’s something even well-meaning friends do. “I knew someone that had a baby just like yours, and he/she is completely healthy and you would never know it!” Although, that may be the likely outcome and is meant to give hope, you just never know what is in store for you, and that takes its toll on the heart. Life becomes a constant struggle of balancing hope, realistic expectations, and the ever present gnawing sadness that accompanies watching your baby fight such a battle, and wishing you could do something more.

We had to learn that each and every baby is so individual; there are no comparisons. Nobody can tell you for certain what your outcome will be. You just go through it with faith and hopefulness and take things one day at a time, finding the miracles in everyday moments. We had to learn to “let Rigdon do Rigdon.” Learning not to compare helped us to be able to focus on our own little one and rejoice in His triumphs, regardless of what others were doing the next pod over. It also helped us to be able to reach out and form friendships with others because we no longer saw them as “comparables,” but as individuals with their own individual struggles, fears, and joys. Those friendships have meant so much because a natural byproduct is even more people to love our babies! Of course, there were hard days where we didn’t want to be the friendly veterans, we didn’t want to be in the NICU ‘club.’ Nobody does. We just wanted our turn to take a healthy baby home… But overall, I could never fully describe the love and sacredness of our time experienced within those walls. That was home for us.

Discharge day finally came! I cry every time I think about that day. Truly, there was no better day than the day we took him outside those hospital walls to come home. The amount of equipment required for him was daunting, but was completely overcome by our excitement and desire to watch him soar. He was as stable as possible, but not in a great place to be honest, and we really felt like if we could just get him home where he belonged, then he would begin to really thrive. We dreamt of our walks outside, getting him up from his crib in the next room, playing by our big window on the floor of our living room... we didn’t want to take a single moment for granted. We wanted him to experience being surrounded by the peace of being home, and we will cherish forever the time we did have to give him that.

Rigdon loved being home. We knew it. And We loved it even more! That’s why it was so heart wrenching to see him start to decline. He required more support and we had to experience many parents’ worst nightmare of having to resuscitate your own baby. We knew we had to go back. About 3 weeks after getting him home, we went back to the hospital, this time at LCH where his pulmonologist was, and we were there to stay.

We went to the PICU, and spent the next few months watching Rigdon continue to fight infections, and make small progresses only to be followed by large setbacks. He had been put back on the hospital ventilator and could not seem to tolerate a home vent again. We often said that we hated having to be there, but there was also no place we’d rather be. We were blessed, once again, with wonderful care-- such great love and dedication to our babe. We do not doubt for one second that he was cared for by the best throughout his life, and offered all there was to offer in his behalf.  Still, it was hard being away from our NICU family, who knew him so well, and having to develop new relationships with the PICU staff. Turns out, it just added to our growing tribe… I remember it was so hard to try and explain how and why Rigdon had changed and was worrying us. They didn’t know him yet, but that didn’t take long to remedy. He stole their hearts pretty quickly and he had a brand new audience to swoon over his every smile, hand hold, and expression. We saw him laugh for the first time there! It actually scared us at first because the alarm on the vent would go off from the increased pressure, but when we realized he was laughing, I mean, you can’t describe the swelling that happens in your heart! He even had his first and only taste of baby food there (pears). We felt our little room at LCH had become a special place, made special by his sweet spirit, and people loved to come and spend time there with him. (That made it just a little easier, knowing he was being well loved for the times when I couldn’t be there.)

The holidays approached and we knew he was nowhere close to where he needed to be to return home. As had been the case many times before, we were told he was not progressing as expected. We weren’t sure why he wasn’t improving, but kept holding on to the hope that he could overcome his BPD with more time. That timeframe kept getting longer and harder for him. Christmas week was actually a really good week for him, and I think that was a blessing meant just for me. We had a beautiful family Christmas and even took our first family photo to include our surprise miracle baby #2! After being told this would likely never be a possibility for us, we just knew this was another miracle in our lives, and a purposeful blessing given to us for a reason.

Two days after Christmas, Rigdon started to really struggle, and by New Year’s Eve, he was in really bad shape. He had never been like this before. Things were different this time. He was placed on paralytics, the oscillator, multiple sedation and pain meds, and for the next couple of weeks, we watched for him to show us he could get through this once again. The months had been difficult, but he always seemed to have just enough strength to get through. He’d never quit fighting, but this time seemed to be too much for his body. We had been living in his room with him during those final weeks, and when he passed, we held him as tightly as we could physically hold him, as we watched our beautiful miracle baby boy slip away. We found out we were having another baby boy just days before Rigdon passed away.

There is no replacement for our perfect angel boy, and there is a constant throbbing and loneliness for him that I am having to learn to live with now in my heart, but I can say with certainty that his life was full of purpose and we wouldn’t trade a minute of our time with him. He has forever changed us (I hope for the better), and our family, and pretty much everyone that ever knew him. We didn’t get the outcome we hoped for, but the influence of his life continues to unfold in front of us daily. I can say we never took him for granted, as I prayed so long ago, and am so grateful for every long day and night with him… every memory still feels so raw, so fresh in my mind. There is no “moving on” when it comes to missing your baby.  Only moving forward. And sometimes, like Rigdon, I feel I am doing that on a sliding backwards slope. BUT – there is meaningful purpose in his life and that helps as we find the joy of having learned to love so deeply and the blessing he is and forever will be to us. I hope to be able to help other moms feel some sense of comfort knowing that I know, with faith and through experience, that we really can do hard things, whatever the outcome, and it will be ok."

Charlie, An Angel | 26 Week Preemie | NICU Portraits | Charlotte, North Carolina NICU Photographer | Krista Gantt Photography

You may remember Charlie from a few photos floating around on my Instagram page.  When we first met in the NICU last October, Charlie was just over 2 weeks old.  He came into this world weighing right at 1 pound.  You read that right.  Charlie weighed 1 pound 0.02 ounces to be exact.

Although Charlie's life was short, he fought hard to be with his mom and dad.  Here is Charlie's life in a nutshell, as told by his mom.

It all started on May 15, 2016.  I wasn’t feeling so great and I knew I was late, so I decided to take a pregnancy test.  Well it came back positive, and I decided to take 5 more tests just to make sure (I was very surprised).  On June 6th we ventured to the doctor to hear Charlie’s heartbeat for the first time.  My regular OB/GYN did some blood work and tested for Down’s syndrome but it came back fine.  My numbers came back somewhat high for Spina Bifida, so I was referred to a Maternal Fetal Physician.  

On August 2nd, Dr. Shaver confirmed we were having a little boy (quite the surprise for me). Charlie was quite active in the tummy and they found that he did not have Spina Bifida. However, the doctor did talk to us about the possibility of preeclampsia.  I didn’t think that kind of thing would happen to me.  

On September 16th (my birthday) I had a severe headache and could not function very well. By September 19th, I was being admitted to “Special Care” at Presbyterian Main to be monitored for preeclampsia.  I was followed closely and Charlie’s heart rate would drop from time to time, which was a cause for concern.  On October 3rd I had an ultrasound.  Charlie’s heart rate dropped significantly while they were conducting the ultrasound, and that lead to me being sent to L&D for 24 hour monitoring.  At 3:45am, I had to use the bathroom and when I returned, the nurse was unable to get Charlie’s heartbeat, even with the assistance of other nurses and a doctor.

At 5:30am my Maternal Fetal Physician made the decision for Charlie to be delivered by C-section because he would not have made it through the next 24 hours if they waited. It was at 6:33am when my story ends and Charlie’s begins...

Charlie was born weighing 1 pound 0.02 ounces and measured in at 10.25 inches long. The doctors prepared me telling me that since Charlie was born so early, he probably would not make any noises when he was born.  I prayed and asked for a sign that he was ok.  When Dr. White held him up for me to see, he screamed and cried.  I cried at that moment because it was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard.  I didn’t realize it would be the first and only time I would ever hear him cry.

Upon Charlie’s arrival, Chris met with Dr. Morales and Kayla (nurse) and they talked to him about Charlie.  Kayla told Chris that he had nothing to worry about because she would be taking care of him that day. They wheeled me into the NICU from recovery and I was able to touch Charlie for the first time.  I could not get over how little he was and that his eyes were still fused shut.  

In the following days, we had a lot of ups and downs.  The first big hurdle was on October 9th when Charlie was at 100% oxygen.  I remember the neonatologist telling us that we didn’t have a lot of options at that point because his lungs were in such bad shape and he needed so much support.  Chris and I just looked at each other and cried because we knew he was very premature.  Everyone tells you about the roller coaster ride called the NICU.  

It was on October 9th that we decided to have Charlie baptized.  We wanted to be prepared if anything should happen.  We celebrated each milestone as it came... whether it was weight gain, being able to tolerate feeds, skin to skin contact, or something as silly as my first experience with breastmilk poop.  

It was not a surprise that Charlie had stolen Kayla’s heart when she first met him, so it was important to Chris and I to ask Kayla about being Charlie’s first primary nurse. As time went on we had Anna, Carmine, Rachel and Hannah all sign up to be primary nurses for him.  We did have a few other nurses that had special relationships with us and Charlie but they already had primaries.  These women all left a lasting impression on us. We will always see them as “Charlie’s angels.” 

Charlie was a feisty little guy.  I couldn’t help but laugh when the nurses would tuck him in and swaddle him and he would somehow break free, whether it was his little legs kicking or it was his arms.  Out of nowhere, you would see his arm go up in the air like a defiant victory.  

It might sound silly but I enjoyed changing his diapers, taking his temperature, wiping his face and just having those few minutes touching him and talking to him, so that he knew I was there.  In the morning when I would arrive, I would sing songs to Charlie and talk to him about the great big world. At night time I would go back and read him a bedtime story.  His favorite story was “On the night you were born.”  I say this was his favorite because it seemed to be the one story that I read to him when he would open his eyes and look around.

My most treasured memories were either when Charlie would grab my finger and hold it, or when we had our skin to skin time and I could just sit there and snuggle with him. 

I received a call from the Pediatric Surgeon on 11/26/16 and he informed me that they needed to do exploratory surgery bc they thought Charlie might have Necrotizing Enterocolitis. I would not give verbal consent.  I wanted to see Charlie before they did the surgery and I made it to the hospital in time.  I got to hold him with the assistance of a Respiratory Therapist until they got his bed set up.  They told us he had a 50/50 shot of making it through the surgery, and I remember thinking and feeling like this was all of my fault becasuse of the preeclampsia. I felt like my body failed Charlie and put him through more pain than I went through.

Charlie made it through the surgery and did great. We stayed overnight at the hospital just to be on the safe side.  I woke up at 1:45am because I wanted to be at his bedside for his 2am assessment.  I received a text at 1:50am from Charlie’s nurse telling me that we needed to get to his bedside.  I woke Chris and we went running.  As we turned the corner we were not prepared for what we were about to see.  

A nurse was giving Charlie chest compressions.  His primary nurse had just given him a dose of epinephrine because his heart rate dropped and it was not coming back up. Once they were able to get him stabilized, Chris and I made phone calls and some of our family members came to the hospital.  Charlie’s nurses all showed up. Charlie really knew how to draw a crowd and get the emotions going.

Around 9pm Monday night, we started to realize that things were not going as well as they were earlier in the day. Charlie was on 3 different blood pressure medications to bring it up, but nothing seemed to be helping. He just looked so tired.  It was at that time that I looked at Chris and I told him that Charlie is getting tired and that we needed to make a decision. He looked at me and shook his head yes.  Dr. Morales was getting ready to approach us and tell us about the terrible blood gas that he just had, but I stopped her and said that we knew he was tired. We wanted them to go ahead and unhook Charlie from everything and place him in my arms, and that is how he would leave this world.

Our families and nurses were there and said their goodbyes. We then asked our families to leave and we only wanted Charlie’s nurses, our Deacon and Dr. Morales there. The nurses dressed Charlie and laid him in my arms and Chris sat next to me. I sang to him and told him that we would never be angry for him not wanting to fight anymore.  After about 5 minutes, Dr. Morales came over and listened to his heart and looked at us and said that he was no longer with us as of 1:24am.  

Dr. Morales and Kayla were there when Charlie came into this world and they were there when he left and that meant so much to us because we had such a wonderful relationship with them.  When they removed the ventilator tube, I felt so heartbroken but when I looked at my sweet boy, he had this beautiful smile on his face.  It was like he was happy and at peace and I felt like maybe my dad was there to greet him in Heaven.

“Dearest Charlie,

You came into this world on October 4th and changed our lives forever. It seems like only yesterday that we had heard the most beautiful sound upon our ears when you cried. It gave us the greatest comfort knowing that you would be our little fighter, our superhero. We had no idea at that moment that we would gain not only a beautiful little boy in our lives but also a family we didn’t know we would be blessed with. Eight weeks may not seem like a long enough period of time to change people’s lives but you certainly did sweet boy.

Your personality was enormous for such a little peanut. It was not unusual for you to go from swatting your little hands at your nurses and sometimes even mommy to grabbing the finger of those giving you the loving care you received. It was comical to watch your nurses work so hard to bundle you up, only for you to sneak your little arm or leg out and shake them in defiant victory. As if your personality wasn’t enough you were blessed with golden blonde hair and big blue eyes and it is plain to see how you captivated the hearts of all who met you. Speaking of those captivated hearts, as you know they are here with us celebrating you. You may not recognize them without their scrubs on, but we know you recognize them by their love and devotion to taking care of you. Whether it was comforting us when you were having a rough day or celebrating milestones with us, their resolve never wavered.

We could fill volumes of books with the hopes and dreams we had for you. In spite of all of those things we wanted our perfect little boy to be a good person. You exceeded our hopes and dreams in these 8 weeks we were blessed with. You taught us more about unconditional love and compassion than we could have imagined. You made a difference in a way that most people can only dream.

We love you very much, sweet boy, and miss you terribly. There is not a minute we don’t miss you. We can only take comfort in your being set free from the pain and struggle you fought so hard through. You overcame many obstacles in your time on this earth, with great perseverance. There isn’t anything we wouldn’t give to see your beautiful blue eyes looking at us, or feel you squeezing our fingers and not letting us pull away from you.

Watch over all of those gathered here and those who were blessed with your presence. We all have an extra guardian angel now to watch over us. You are loved and missed so much Charlie, and you always will be.

Love always,
Mom and dad”

You Are Not Alone

I want other moms to know that they are not alone and that this is a unique club that no one ever wants to be in. I never in a million years thought that I would be cremating my 7 week old son. I still to this day struggle with the feeling of my body failing Charlie and causing him more harm  and pain on the outside. There are triggers everywhere and somedays I can walk around the mall or a store and be ok and other days I can walk in and walk right back out because of my anxieties and triggers. I have a few friends who have suffered miscarriages which is still the loss of a child but they cannot fully relate to what I struggle with because we had Charlie for 7 weeks and had a different experience.

Chris and I started attending Kindermourn for grief counseling which has been great.  I started going to a support group last week called “Empty Arms,” which specializes in miscarriages, stillborns and infant loss. The first meeting was definitely eye opening for me. I didn’t expect to be in a group with 4 other couples and myself (Chris does not want to participate in the group) discussing the loss of our children and talking about the trauma that we suffered.

One thing that I have learned is that men and women definitely grieve differently.  That is something to be prepared for.  Do not let people tell you that whatever you need to do to help you grieve is wrong. There is no handbook on grieving or how to cope with the loss of a child and everyone grieves in different ways. One other thing I wanted to mention is that it is ok to need medicine to help with depression or anxiety. It does not have to be a permanent thing but it can help especially when you are going through so many emotions and it can be very hard to handle.

Update on Jack | 23 Week Preemie | NICU Portraits | Charlotte, North Carolina NICU Photographer | Krista Gantt Photography

Jack's mom sent me an update on his progress!  If you missed him on the blog, click below to see what he looked like shortly after he was born at 23 weeks.  Then read below to see what his mom had to say about his progress.

“Jack is doing well! He has been up and down on his feedings. He gets very close to full feedings and then his gut needs a break so we start back very low. He does show cues of hunger and rooting and LOVES taking a bottle. He is 2200 grams now! We are working towards him being in a crib, but don’t want to overload him with a ton of work to do on his own. He is down to low flow cannula on .0125 Os. He is not quiet ready to be off oxygen, although he pulls the cannula out constantly so we resort to taping it to his nose.”